Gary:  Hi Elmer... good to see you. are you ready to get started?

Elmer:  Hello Gary.

Gary:  hello... how are you doing tonight?

Elmer:  I am feeling a bit anxious about doing this as i tried it one other time and there were a few tech problems

Gary:  what kind of problems did you have, Elmer?

Elmer:  I found that I had to pause as I was thinking about answers and my counselor would answer before I was finished.

Gary:  well, let's see how it works out tonight... I'll be sensitive to this issue and allow you enough time to answer.

Elmer: ok... what do you want to focus on tonight?

Gary:  Thanks, let's start then

Elmer:  OK. I want tot talk about my  marriage problem

Gary:  ok.... can you be more specific?

Elmer:  Yes. I have been married for about 10 years. Up until our 6 year old was born we had a great sex life. very passionate, very connected. and now my wife has lost interest altogether.   It seems that way.

Gary:  And it's been that way for how long?

Elmer:  Since our son arrived

Gary:  so, six years.

Elmer:  Yes

Gary:  Your sex drive has remained the same, but your wife has lost interest.

Elmer:  That's how it seems to me. I've tried very thing I can think of. I've been really honest. I've explained how I miss our special 'connection' that.  I felt was something special we had and I've tried being sensual- massage, candlelit dinners, you name it. and she just doesn't respond. She gets annoyed when I talk about it or even hint  at it, so I am just left feeling boxed  in and frustrated all the time, not because I am hanging out, but because i feel something really great has gone.

Gary:  You love her and you miss the closeness.

Elmer:  You've got it.

Gary:  Well, that makes a lot of sense... and I can see and hear the discomfort you are talking about. I need a bit more information from you.... have you talked directly to her about this?

Elmer:  Yes, several times.

Gary:  and how did you present this issue?

Elmer:  I said I thought we were in trouble because this very important aspect of our relationship wasn't happening.

Gary:  what did she say?

Elmer:  She generally manages to maie me feel guilty...like about how much responsibility she has, her work, the boy...

Gary:  so, she shifts the focus to you.... blames you and the pressure is off her then.

Elmer:  Not always. Sometimes it is clear that she too feels guilty about how I'm feeling, and she just sighs and goes to do something else.

Gary:  and this issue is not addressed.

Elmer:  Well I have brought it up several times in the past two months, so it is addressed but never resolved.. I find myself still feeling such love for her, and longing for our intimacy.

Gary:  This problem cannot be resolved until both of you can get through the discomfort to deal with this issue.

Elmer:  What do you suggest? I feel I've tried everything.

Gary:  You certainly have tried a lot.... it sounds like you've been very attentive and caring with her, so her reaction doesn't sound like a function of your behavior.

Elmer:  Yes, I've tried to help out at home and do other things, as I know she does get tired. But then so do I.

Gary:  how are you able to communicate about other problems? money?  the child? child care decisions?

Elmer:  We just talk about them at dinner together usually, or just before going to sleep.

Gary: And you can resolve them?

Elmer:  Usually. I tried doing the same thing with this issue, but she doesn't want to resolve it i think.

Gary:  you must be pretty frustrated after six years.

Elmer:  Yes, and I feel myself starting to get resentful too which is really getting to me.

Gary:  Do you think that is coming out in your interactions with her?  your resentment?

Elmer:  I don't know.

Gary:  Let me ask you another question. Are you committed to this relationship if she continues to not have sex with you?

Elmer:  Yes.

Gary:  ok. here are some things you might consider doing:

1) go to face to face family therapy to have a third party help you talk through this issue.

2) write her expressing your love and your concerns about the lack of intimacy in your relationship

3) try again to discuss this with her directly, but only after you are better equipped to not take on guilt or allow the focus to be shifted from what needs to be discussed.

Gary:  What do you think?

Elmer:  I am worried that she won't agree to go for counseling...its like her head is in the sand about this. Whtw do you mean about being equipped in 3?

Gary:  from what you've said, you could use more information about managing your feelings. and more practice in boundaries management between you and your wife.

Elmer:  What do you mean?

Gary:  well, you need to know that you are not responsible for her feelings, and when you get good at managing you feelings, she won't be able to make you feel guilty. It just won't work anymore. (even though she might try)

Elmer:  I think I understand. You're right, I do look for something being    wrong with me to explain it to myself.

Gary:  right. And many of us don't know what we need to know about feelings.

Elmer:  But she doesn't seem prepared to look at what is wrong at all.

Gary:  No shame in that. Well, the hope is, when you change, she will need to change as well. We won't be able to change her directly... that's really up to her. (as much as you would like to  :0)

Elmer:  I am afraid that she just will continue to keep her head in the sand and my resentment will grow, and even though I am not guilty any more, we'll still have this big problem.

Gary:  if your wife doesn't grow.... if she doesn't change.... eventually you'll need to ask yourself about your ongoing commitment. You have to decide if you can live with this ongoing problem if she doesn't change.

Elmer:  I guess so. Maybe she will come to therapy with me..I must admit I haven't broached this yet, although a good friend suggested it as it helped him

Gary:  but first things first.... right. You love her, you want to invest in the relationship... things can change.  It happens every day. so, what will you do?

Elmer:  Can I speak with you again if I log on here? Its good to have someone to toss ideas around with.

Gary:  Any time.  Will you follow up with face to face?

Elmer:  OK thanks. I'll try asking her about going for help together.

Gary:  Will you get back to me to let me know what happens?

Elmer:  Yes I will, thanks for listening.