Jack and Jill: Session FIVE
This case is part of a series of imaginary therapy cases being constructed on the PMTH listserv for analysis and study of the therapy process on PMTH.  The transcripts are being composed collaboratively by professional therapists. Click here to return to the TOC for this transcript series.


Jack & Jill, First session (with Taylor):
reflecting team (led by Kilian, team included Marsha, Val, Riet)
second session (with Taylor)
third session (with Kilian Fritsch)
fourth session (with Kilian Fritsch)


 
1. 
After the last session, in the week that Jack and Jill should have come in, Jill had the flu and was home from work.  But the next week they come in.  When Kilian comes to the waiting room, Jill is reading a magazine and Jack is standing studying a picture on the wall.  Kilian enters the room, Jill looks up and Jack turns around to Kilian and says, "Are you ready for us?"  
2.    KILIAN
You bet. How're you feeling, Jill?
 
3.    JILL
Oh, I think I'm over it, but it wasn't fun.  I want to say that Jack was more helpful than usual.  I mean he let me sleep.  He usually doesn't.
Here is some evidence that the therapy is having some effect outside of the session.
4.    JACK
See, she can't give me a compliment without attaching something negative to it.  (He clearly notices an obvious negative look on Jill's face.)  Just pointing it out, Jill.  Better that you notice your  negativity.  I don't think you always notice it.
Nevertheless, Jack and Jill immediately go back to their conflicted way of talking with each other.
5.    JILL
(deep breath.)  Well, he did let me sleep this time, and that's unusual, and I appreciate it.
 
6.    JACK
I'm always good when you're sick, bringing stuff and things like that.
 
7.    JILL
Okay, Jack. If you say so.
 
8.   KILIAN
So, should we pick this up here, or circle back to what we were talking about when we ended two weeks ago?
 
9.   JACK
I can't remember exactly what we were talking about two weeks ago, but I'm sure it is more important than this stuff.
 
10.      JILL
Well, I just want to say this: Jack was good this time, better than usual, but the truth is that he is sometimes so good it's just annoying. I'll be trying to sleep and he's insisting that I eat or something.
Jack and Jill still seem distracted by their impulse to blame and counterblame as well as defend themselves.
11.      JACK
I let her sleep this time but she just can't seem to let go. That's the problem with Jill. Even when I get her point and try to do things completely her way, which sometimes seems very unreasonable and unfair to me, she still complains about the way things used to be. There isn't any winning with her.
 
12.      JILL
You're right. I apologize.
Jill seems to be trying to stop the endlessness of their blaming each other.
13.       JACK
Woo! That's a first.
 
14.    KILIAN
Could the two of you please explain what just happened here?
 
15.        JACK
What do you mean? 
 
16.     KILIAN
Well, I'm thinking that it might have been tough for a young guy to give up playing outside, and instead to spend more time inside and be quieter. You mentioned having to give up having fun, and the fact that the neighbor got his way by making noise and threats. So someone being unpleasant seemed to take some control over you having fun, and you had to accommodate to him. Sometimes these events act to influence the ways we think about life, and I wonder if this event might have done that for you. Perhaps it connects with what you said about nervousness or butterflies in the stomach, or expecting something bad with Jill.  Or perhaps it connects with some idea about winners and losers in life, and what it takes to be a winner? 
Any thoughts?
Kilian is referring to an incident that Jack described in the last session.
17.        JACK
I don't know. It was a pretty significant experience. It screwed up one whole summer. Instead of playing loud the way we liked to, we had to be quiet. Not very fun for a kid. But I don't see what it has to do with me as a husband. As I've told you, I do everything I can think of to make Jill's life more pleasant. I do most of the housework, for example. Old Everitt (the guy next door) used to go out of his way, I believe, to make things unpleasant for us. This couldn't be further from what I do. …Unless you're suggesting that I am talking to make tings unpleasant for Jill, and that's just not true, not that I can see. I might talk because I'm nervous, you know, kind of a nervous habit, but I'm not trying to make things hard for her. I want her to be happy with me, after all. So that wouldn't make sense. 
 
18.        KILIAN
Jack, I'm confused. I was wondering about the story of Everitt and whether it has influenced your life in some way, and you said "I don't see what it has to do with me as a husband." How did you get from my question to something about you as a husband?
 
19.        JACK
Well, to be honest, I just thought maybe I could see where you were trying to go with this. You were thinking that because I was a kid and that had to be quiet because of the man next door that now maybe I wanted to be like Everitt and be in control. Maybe there's some truth to that, but I don't see it because Everitt was a mean old bastard, and I don't think I am. And, besides, I'm not trying to shut Jill up. I want her to talk to me. So, maybe that incident influenced me, and maybe you can see something I don't see, but I don't think this is the source of our problems.
Jack begins his theory with many presumptions about how therapy works.  These presumptions have some foundation in the way new clients think about therapy in American culture.
20.        KILIAN
Jack, can you see what kind of quandary this is? Your talking to me is based on where you think I want to go, and then you tell me why what you think I'm thinking is not right. Now, what would you do in a situation like that?
This is a key point of Kilian's.  He is calling attention to the way in which Jack is continuously presuming the other person's agenda.
21.        JACK
I don't know how to do it differently. I'm always thinking about where people are going with what they're saying. Doesn't everybody work this way?
 
22.   KILIAN
I don't think so. I know that I don't, although I can remember a time when I did. I learned a different way when I began to see that my conversations with other people turned out to be mostly conversations with myself, with a lot of pushing and shoving with the folks who were supposed to be part of that conversation, but really weren't.
therapist self-disclosure
23.       JACK
Well, I just don't know how you do it! I can't imagine it. I mean when people talk to me, I have to try to figure out where they're coming from. I mean, right now, I wonder where you're coming from, where you're going with this. Don't you feel you have some kind of goal in mind? Some kind of point to make to me? Something you want me to do? I just don't know if I can go along with this. I'm not crossing it off, I tell you, but I do feel that it's asking a lot of me, to not try to imagine what a person is saying. Or maybe I don't understand you. Maybe you need to explain more.
 
24.        KILIAN
Jack, I'd like to have a conversation with you, right now, without all the interference of "where you're coming from," and "where you're going." Otherwise, I have my doubts about the possibility of your establishing a "here" with anyone. 
Imagine driving in a car, and only paying attention to where you've been and where you're headed next. Did you ever think about what happens to everything in between?
 
25.        JACK
Okay.  I want to be cooperative, here.  Don't think I'm trying to run the show.  I'm just telling you that I think it's a natural thing to try to think where the other person is going with some point.  I guess most of the time I'm kinda like a chess player who tries to figure out the other person's moves before they do.  You know?  But I think, frankly, that everybody does this kinda thing  .But, as I say, I'll try not to.  I'll do the best I can.  Can't ask more than that, right? 
Jack introduces the metaphor of developing converational stratagies on the basis of trying to anticipate other people's converational moves and agendas.
26.    KILIAN
OK, but what might it take to operate outside of the chess mode?
 
27.        JACK
I don't know. I'll try, but honestly, I don't know if I can, if I'm honest about it. I don't really know any other way. Do you operate outside of the chessmode? 
 
28.    KILIAN
I think I do, but in order to do that I have to always pay attention to what the chessmode is suggesting I do or think about what is going on. I find that the chessmode can speak to me most powerfully when I'm either upset or threatened. So I have to know what it wants me to do in order for me to figure out how to do something else. And that means running the risk of discovering whether the chessmode is right, and of being delighted when it is not right. How does this sound so far? 
 
29.   JACK
(takes deep breath and shakes his head with and lifts his eyebrows) Man!  That must be hard to do!  And I can't really see the purpose. I mean don't you want to know where people are coming from?  What they're trying to do?  I mean, I'm not trying to be difficult or anything. But in here, as the therapist, don't you want to know where I'm coming from? 
 
30.      KILIAN
Jack, what is the purpose which you can't see? 
 
31.        JACK
You mean what is your purpose?  Well, probably you think this will be good for me, to stop trying to outguess people, but it seems to me it's so unnatural. I think it's just natural that we all try to figure out other people's purposes. And even if we try to stop, or if I try to stop, I think it's probably hopeless. But I'm planning to try. If I find myself that I am speculating about another person's purpose, your's or Jill's s, because it just happens even if I don't want it to, do you want me to just keep it to myself?
 
32.      KILIAN
No, I'd like to suggest that you say it out loud as that, speculation. You could say, "The speculation tells me that....," or "I'm speculating that," without making a response to the speculation or what the speculation tells you. So instead of responding based on what the speculation says, you would first say what the speculation would be. How does that sound? 
Here Kilian is externalizing the speculation in a way that is reminiscent of narrative therapy.
33.    JACK So, if I think Jill is trying to put me down, you want me to say, "The speculation tells me that you're trying to put me down"? Is that what you mean?  
34.        KILIAN
Yes, or words to that effect. If Jill knows and understands that we're trying to get a little separation between the speculation and your response, we might discover some interesting stuff. You could call it "speculation," or "Speck," or "the speck thing," whatever. Here's an example. You suggested saying, "The speculation tells me that you're trying to put me down." Now imagine adding something like, "Is that right? " Could you imagine doing that? 
 
35.       JACK
(shrugs unenthusiastically, then sighs) Sounds hard, but I can try it. Sounds really hard right now, but as I say, I'm really trying here and I think you have something to teach me. Do I have to talk this way all the time?  Or is this just an exercise for now?  I mean, I don't really understand it exactly, just sort of, and I don't know if I can always say what I want to say in just the way you want me to. I can try.
 
36.       KILIAN
I can't ask for any more than that. Let's start here. Do you notice anything different about what you just said to me? Is there any speculation in this: "Sounds hard, but I can try it.Sounds really hard right now, but as I say, I'm really trying here and I think you have something to teach me. Do I have to talk this way all the time?"   Do you hear any speculation there?
 
37.        JACK
No.
 
38.       KILIAN
So what's it like to be in a conversation, right now, where speculation is not present? Or does speculation want to creep back in, now that you've said something without it?
 
39.        JACK
Okay so far, I guess. I'm supposed to just try not to worry about where you're going. It's like you're in the drivers' seat, right? And I just sit back and let you drive. That's cool. I can do that.
 
40.       JILL
(chuckling she rolls eyes)
 
41.        JACK
(laughing) I saw that! (Turning to Kilian.) Lead on, man! I'll let you be the boss for a while. Just help us out, okay? I'm right behind you. If it gets hard, then I'll talk about "speculation" and what speculation is making me think. Okay?
 
42.       KILIAN
Jack, I'm sorry, that's not it. This is not about who's in the driver's seat. How did you get from my question to driver's seats? I thought I asked you a simple question. Is it possible speculation came in about what the agenda might be?
 
43.        JACK
(taken aback) I guess I was thinking that you were trying to do something for us and that's why you wanted me to try to suppress my speculation about what you were trying to do, or Jill was trying to do.  I was thinking that you wanted to do this because you think, maybe that I'm doing something that is contributing to the problem.  (laughing) So I guess you're right on that one.  Speculation came in with that one.  Is that what you mean?  I guess this is going to be harder than I thought it would be.  But I'm trying.
 
44.        KILIAN
OK, that's all anyone could ask. Jill, I have a question for you. What's it like to see Jack try to unpack speculation from his ways of responding?
 
45.       JILL
Is this supposed to keep him from always analyzing me?
 
46.       KILIAN
Yes. Any thoughts about what that might be like for you?
 
47.       JILL
It's sounds to good to be true, Kilian.  I'll believe it when I see it.
 
48.        JACK
Wait a moment.  This is sounding like you people are going to be backseat driving me on this  .I am willing to try it, but I don't want to be continuously backseat driving me.  Can I ask that at least?
 
49.        KILIAN
Jack, have you any reason to distrust this process so far?
 
50.        JACK
No, I guess I don't.  I just want to protect myself from it.
 
51.       KILIAN
OK - Jill, could I ask how you made the connection between what we called speculation and your experience of being analyzed by Jack?  And Jack, could you just become an observer for a little while?
 
52.        JILL
Well, it seems he psychoanalyzes me all the time.  He is always thinking that there are things going on in my head that I don't tell him about, like whether or not I am thinking I'll leave him, for example. If I ever do leave him, and I'm not planning on it, it will be because he psychoanalyzes me too much and he doesn't listen to me.
 
53.        KILIAN
Was there anything in my conversation with Jack that seemed Familiar in terms of the way Jack speaks with you, like the presence of speculation, or the chessmode, or the time I told him that it was difficult knowing how to respond to his speculations about me? If it's possible, could you just describe this in terms of what this may be like for you, and not   speculate on Jack himself?
 
54.       JILL
Did I speculate on Jack? I thought I just said he always psychoanalyzes ME.That's not speculation, is it?
 
55.        KILIAN
I'm just trying to safeguard things a bit. Things seem a bit tender.
 
56.       JILL
You want to know what it feels like when Jack psychoanalyzes me? Is that what you want?
 
57.        KILIAN
No. Let me try again. Rather than hearing what it feels like when Jack psychoanalyzes you, I'd like to understand what happens when Jack psychoanalyzes you. What different kinds of situations would likely include Jack's psychoanalyzing you, what kinds of discussions, what times of day, any particular days of the week, or if there any specific topics which seem more likely to include psychoanalyzing. Could you give that a shot?
 
58.        JILL
(looking puzzled) He does it all the time.Maybe when he sleeps he stops, but he starts as soon as he gets up. 
 
59.       KILIAN
Can you recall a time when it didn't happen, and when he was awake?
 
60.        JILL
Yes.  When we first got to know each other, he wasn't very interested in me. 
 
61.       JACK
It's true. 
 
62.        JILL
(smiling) But I was determined to win him.I thought he was the guy for me.I was tired of quiet guys, the silent types that never wanted to talk with you.Jack was a guy with lots of energy, and he was cute, too. 
 
63.       JACK
(chuckles)
 
64.       JILL
Things were really good back then.  I tell you things were pretty good until my accident when my front teeth were knocked loose.  Somehow when he insisted on kissing me, no matter what I said, something clicked inside me. I felt I couldn't trust him.  I think the accident changed him somehow.  I don't know why, but it's so weird that he would insist on kissing me like that. 
 
65.        JACK
You just can't let things go, can you?
 
66.       KILIAN
Jack, I want to go someplace else with this, and I know that there seems to be a danger which pops up when Jill begins to speak and you want to say your piece. Can you tolerate me developing a conversation with Jill?  It would not be a good idea for that to get sidelined by whatever's causing you discomfort. I would like you to be here while that happens. Can you do that?
 
67.        JACK
(sighs) Sure. I can do it. I'll just sit back and make myself. I just hate to hear it though. It's unfair and it's not right. But I'll do it. I think you know what you're doing and I'm going to trust that.  Just forget I'm here.
 
68.        JILL
(rolls her eyes and looks over at Kilian with anticipation)
 
69.       KILIAN
(chuckling) Now THAT is a challenge!  How about if I suggest a job for you? Can you listen to my conversation with Jill as if you're watching a movie, and listen to the story of the young woman named Jill?
 
70.        JACK
Yep .I can do it.
 
71.        KILIAN
Jill, can we revisit the last couple of things you said?
 
72.       JILL
Okay. 
 
73.       KILIAN
The first thing that caught my attention was your saying, "I thought he was the guy for me. I was tired of quiet guys, the silent types that never wanted to talk with you. Jack was a guy with lots of energy, and he was cute, too."
Can you remember what it was that told you that Jack was the guy for you?
 
74.        JILL
I know it sounds stupid, but I really liked the way he talked.  I mean it.  Of course, back then, he didn't psychoanalyze me all the time.  He talked a lot back then, but, I don't know, it didn't drive me crazy. He wasn't always in my case.  I don't think things got really bad until the incident I told you about when i felt he was trying to rape me.
 
75.        JACK
(exhales noisely, shakes his head and looks away)
 
76.        KILIAN
Can you recall what it was about his style of talking which appealed to you?
 
77.        JILL
He was interesting.  He is the first interesting man I have really run across.  But Jack could talk, almost like a woman, it seems, and he was interesting.  I just didn't know how *much* he could talk. (laughs)
 
78.        JACK
(sighs and shakes his head)
 
79.        JILL
You see, I'm not a person that really has to talk, but Jack is. I have never been around anybody like that before  .It's not just that he *can* talk, but that he *has to*.But, back then I had always wanted to be with a man who could lead a conversation, say, when we went out for dinner  .I see other couples sitting around talking and I wanted to do that.  Jack could do that with me, and it wasn't so hard for me.  He always had something to say, and it was usually interesting.
 
80.        KILIAN
Could you describe how his ability to talk made it "not so
hard" for you? What became "not so hard?"
 
81.        JILL
I don't know.  I guess when I was on dates before Jack there was usually the problem of what to talk about, you know? I don't mean it was always that way, but it was that way a lot. And with Jack, I could just sit back and relax. (laughs) It was kinda nice back then. Strange, isn't it?  It's the very thing that drives me crazy now.  But I don't think he was always psychoanalyzing me back then. Maybe that was part of it.
 
82.        KILIAN
Can you remember what his talk was like before the psychoanalyzing?   What sort of things did the two of you talk about? Can you recall anything about what happened when you talked that helped you to relax? Anything come to mind?
 
83.        JILL
Just that he was full of interesting things to say that wasn't about psychoanalyzing me.  Jack could tell some funny stories about things that happened to him, or to someone.  He could tell jokes and clown around.  Sometimes he kept me in stitches.  I don't remember what all we talked about back then, but I remember that he kept me entertained -- and I don't think he psychoanalyzed me at all.
 
84        KILIAN  Could you say what it was like to be entertained like that?  
85        JILL  It was entertaining and fun.I felt comfortable and happy.It was just nice, but then things started falling apart.  
86        KILIAN  From this distance, how did something so fun, comfortable, and happy fall apart?  
87       JILL  It was probably falling apart before the accident, but it didn't feel like it to me.I think everything goes back to the accident.  Really I do.  It was so awful for me, and Jack seemed to think it was trivial, that it was nothing, and it hurt me so much -- I just felt like I could suddenly see the real Jack.  
88       KILIAN 
I'd like to ask a favor of both of you at this point.  Or maybe a couple of favors.  The first is that you allow me to question the use of some of your words, terms like "the real Jack," and other ways of speaking which might pop up in moments like this.
The second favor is to ask both of you to consider the possibility that we are entering a holy space here, one deserving reverence and care.  So rather than "letting it rip," we need to do something much more respectful.

The third favor is to ask both of you to think about the possibility that there will now be at least two versions of events in play, and that we're not trying to find a way to decide who is right or wrong. 

I'm  willing to spend as much time as we need to understand what I've just proposed, and I have to ask each of you not to revert to accusations if we need to clarify our way of proceeding.

 
89      JACK  I don't think I understand where you're trying to go, but I'm willing to let you lead the way.  However, I want to say this: I'm not trying to just accuse Jill. It's just that I figure you want to hear how I really feel, not just pretend to be happy with her when I'm not.  I'm perfectly able to pretend, but I thought that this was the wrong thing to do.  In therapy you're supposed to let it all hang out, so to speak, not be hypocritical.  That was my understanding.  Is that wrong?  
90      KILIAN  I think I'm recommending a different type of therapy here, Jack.  I'm not into letting it all hang out, and I'm not into hyprocrisy, either.

Jill, where are you with this?  Do my requests make any sense to you?

 
91      JILL  It sounds interesting, but I'm not sure I understand it yet.  
92      JACK  The same is true for me.I need you to explain because I thought I knew what you wanted and apparently I don't.How is it that you can want people not to let it all hang out and also not be hypocritical?  
93      KILIAN  What hangs out when it all hangs out?  
94     JACK  (chuckles and looks a little embarrassed) Oh, you know, just telling you what we're really feeling, no faking it to look good and make the other feel good.  
95     KILIAN  Are you familiar with both of those ways of being?  
96     JACK  Yeah, sure.  
97     KILIAN  Could you describe under what circumstances each of those ways seems to predominate?  
98     JACK  When I'm with Jill's mom (laughing, looks at Jill) I'm on my best behavior.I don't let it all hang out.When I'm at work, say, or when a policeman stops me about my driving, I don't let it all hang out.I guess I mostly don't let it all hang out, but I thought, in here, that was what a person was supposed to do.I took a couple of psychology courses when I was in school, and I thought the idea was, you know with Freud and all, that we all screw ourselves up by keeping everything inside.  It makes us neurotic.  After a while, our neurosis is unconscious, but it still screws us up, and we have to get it off our chests if we are going to overcome it. I guess I believe that.  Don't you?  
99 KILIAN Well, that brings me back to the question of what the  "it" is which is supposed to be gotten off our chests. You see, we're in a  staging pattern here, prompted by Jill's comment about the "real Jack." And I'm looking for a way to talk about this, but to talk about it differently  than what the two of you have managed to do up until now.

Would you expect the term "real Jack" to refer to something like "let it all hang out," or "get it off your chest?"

 
100  JACK Yeah, sure. The "real Jack" is the one who gets the truth out, lets it all hang out, gets things off his chest. Is that what you mean? That seems right to me.  
101 KILIAN

 

So if we leave these definitions just like this, what hope is there for "the real Jack" and Jill?  
102 JACK I don't understand. Just tell us what we're doing wrong and we'll do it better, or we the price. I figure you can't really change people, deep down, who they are. But I think I'm doing things right and obviously I'm doing something wrong, or maybe Jill is, and I figure you can tell us what that is. I don't mean to tell you your business about this, but isn't that how it works? I mean I really don't know. It's a mystery to me, but I assume you know.  
103 KILIAN  Jack, I'd like to ask you a question. Do you see any hope for this relationship given the way that "the real Jack" has been defined here?

 

 
104 JACK I don't understand. I do hope this relationship can be saved, but I don't understand how it would work. I presume you do. I have read a lot about therapy, actually, mostly in the paper or magazines, but I don't really understand. I mean, I do have some idea of how it works, but I can't see how it would actually work, what would make it work. I don't know if I can put it all in words, but it seems to me that doctors like Freud do therapy by making clients work on their childhoods, and I suspect that doctors like you do therapy by telling people what they are doing wrong. Isn't that right? I don't know why that would work, but people seem to do it that way, according to what I have read, and it must work or people wouldn't go to therapy.  
105 KILIAN Is there a way you might describe what you think I've been trying to do with you?  
106 JACK Well, I think you're trying to get me to listen more, to be quieter, and also not to speculate about what Jill is doing too much. Is that right?  
107 KILIAN Yes. How does that fit with your notion of "the real Jack?"  
108 JACK I have no idea. I think the real Jack would speculate, frankly, and I don't think you can change that. But maybe it would be good for me not to speculate anyway, and give Jill a chance to be her real self?  
109 KILIAN  Well, I'm wondering whether we can take a look at this whole notion of "real self." For instance, what would you call who you were when you were so engaging and charming with Jill?  
110 JACK You mean, was that was the real me back then? (looks puzzled) I think it was the real me, at least at the time. I was happy then and really feeling that the future was promising. (chuckles a little at himself) It was the real young Jack, the real Jack prior to growing up and realizing things are not always so easy.  
111 KILIAN What's it like to recall the real young Jack as we speak now?

 

 
112 JACK I wish I could get back to being him. I had no idea back then that relationships could even be difficult. And Jill seemed like a piece of cake. I was amazed how much she seemed to like me. I knew she was in love with me before I fell in love with her. I think I enjoyed the way she seemed to enjoy me back then. I loved the way she wanted to listen to me. It seems to me that in my family people had to fight for the floor because everybody wanted to talk. With Jill, well, as she said, she liked to listen, and it really seemed like a match made in heaven to me.  
113 KILIAN  Can I ask what it's like for you to recount those days right now?  
114 JACK As I say, I wish I could get back to being him. Maybe you can  help  me, or help us.  
115 KILIAN Well, I think I can help with that. I'd like to suggest thatyouimagine that as finding a way to bring the young Jack back into yourlife, and back into your life with Jill. Does that sound like somethingyou'd be interested in doing?  
116 JACK Absolutely. Can you help with that? That sounds just like whatI'm looking for. (chuckles) I miss the old Jack.  
117 KILIAN

 

I'm certainly motivated to participate in this project. Jill, howdoes this sound to you?  
118 JILL I can't imagine anything more wonderful, than to get the old Jack  back. I have my doubts about it, but stranger things have happened I  guess.  
119 KILLIAN That's a great place to finish this session. I hope that many different discoveries come out of this process. Can we agree that we'll try to start here, unless something more urgent comes up?  
120 JACK

 

Yeah, it's kind of like looking for the fountain of youth, huh? (standing up and looking at Jill a little sheepishly)  I wish we could get it all back.  I hope I haven't screwed up things too much.  
121 JILL (glances at Jack as she stands up) Just don't push too hard. Okay? Let it happen at its own speed.