Elaine:

De-escalating and Resolving a Personal Conflict about

Frequency of Sexual Contact between Husband and Wife

This is a an imaginary transcript constructed by a group of professional therapists to study the ways in which people can sometimes de-escalate conflicts and achieve satisfactory resolutions to personal problems.Ellen and Elmer are fictional characters that are imagined to be husband and wife with a conflict about how frequently they have sex.The parts are being written by a variety of PMTH conversationslists, all professional and credentialed psychologists, family therapists, or counselors.(You can read an article about this series of transcripts that might help to explain it clicking here.This article will also list the names of the contributors to this project to date.)

If Elmer does not de-escalate the conflict then they will have a dispute like the following:

Ellen:	Why are you so hostile toward me right now?
Elmer:	We haven't had sex in a month.What do you expect? Of course I'm angry.
Ellen	You have to say something.I don't know what you'rethinking.Is that what you are mad about?
Elmer	You know me better than that.You have an obligation to pay more attention to our marriage than that.
Ellen	It's your responsibility to tell me what you want.
Elmer	That just infuritates me.

However, as we are imagining things, the dispute above does not happen.The collaborators are constructing an alternative transcripts to help imagine ways that Elmer might de-escalate such a dispute.The following transcript represents a way we developed spontaneously to help Elmer de-escalate the transcript.Again, both parts were written by a variety of collaboratorators, all professional therapists.

1. Ellen	Why are you so hostiletoward me right now?
2. Elmer	Right now?.....hmmh,can you tell me why you thinkI am so hostile?
3. Ellen	Well, Elmer, it is ano-brainer. When you areangry with me you call me Ellen---no one calls me Ellen exceptyou when you're mad...and, ohyes, my mother used to call meEllen when I was in big trouble.
4. Elmer	Well you got me there.OK, I have been feeling upset,but don't know about 'hostile'..that's a pretty strong word.
5. Ellen	So what are you so upsetabout?
6. Elmer	Well I feel pretty upsetthat I seem to have to get upsetfor you to pay much attention tome. Hmmm... that didn't come outvery well. I mean, it hurts myfeelings that you notice me whenI feel annoyed but otherwise Ifeel pretty ignored around here.
7. Ellen	Well, you're not the onlyone who feels ignored aroundhere, so don't try to make mefeel guilty. This isn'tjust me. I think it's becauseboth of us are reallyovercommitted and we just don'thave time to take care ofourselves might as well therelationship.
8. Elmer	Yeah, well I guess itstrue we are both pretty busy,but hey, we've always been prettybusy..that's nothing new.But I didn't used to feelignored on a physical level yearsago...what has happened to that?We used to always make time forsome loving. I used to feel thatwe were pretty equal in thatrespect, but now I feel like I'mthe only one interested. And that'swhat gets me upset. But I'm gladwe're talking about it now....
9. Ellen	Oh well, years ago... Years agowe didn't have a child, years agoour work commitments were lessinvolved, years ago we went out alot and now we go to a movie oncein a while, years ago we wereyounger--physical desire waxes andwanes you know, at least for me --but I'm happy we're talking aboutit too. Where do we start?
10. Elmer	Hey Li-li (Elmer's special petname for Ellen), what a relief tofinally talk about all this.This is how it is for me: Mydesire for you hasn't waned at all,see, but I'm left feeling like Ialways have to ask -- which I don'twant to do any more. But I feelif I left it up to you, we'd neverget together....I don't know what to do (startsto show beginning of tears in eyes)and its real hard because I stilllove you heaps and want us to havethings like they used to be.
11. Ellen	I hope you know I love you alot too, but I don't think things willever be the "way they used to be."
12. Elmer	Why not?
13. Ellen	I just feel stressed out a lotof the time. Take the last 2 weekswhen Jeremy was sick. Here I wasscrambling to find someone to babysitat home when he can't go to Kindergarten.... so many things like this, Elmer.And because you commute and hour anda half each day, you don't have timeto help me. And I lose time atwork. I'm trying to be super mom,I think they call it, and there isjust no end to my day. Somehow thisdoesn't make me feel like havingsex. Can you understand that?
14. Elmer	Li-li, I just can't imaginehow hard your days must be.
15. Ellen	(nods)
16. Elmer	Just dealing with all thestuff you deal with ...
17. Ellen	I feel overwhelmed, sometimes.
18. Elmer	I can imagine.
19. Ellen	(nods)
20. Elmer	For me, no matter how tiredI get its a real joy to connectwith you phyiscally - you're myspecial buddy in life -- I feelreally lost at times, honey, andconnecting with you physically sortof grounds me. That's whyI get so upset when you seem sodisinterested.
21. Ellen	(shakes her head and looks down.)
22. Elmer	But, look, sweetheart, what Ireally want to do is create somethingwith you that wouldn't be a drain... I want it to (Elmer smiles andmakes a grand gesture with his hands)make you feel wonderful all over. (he is laughing good naturedly)
23. Ellen	(smiles)
24. Elmer	I'm serious.
25. Ellen	(sighs)
26. Elmer	No, no. Believe it or not,Li-li, I would really love to sootheyou in front of the fireplace --- atotal body massage with your favoriteessential oils --- and we could leaveit at that, if you wanted to. I meanI'd love to do more, of course, butif you wanted to stop...
27. Ellen	Oh, what I'd really like is a massage just before going to sleep. I'd probably fall asleep. And don't wake me up if I do! You're a sweetie.Are you sure you're going to be able to do this?
28. Elmer	You sound exhausted, Li-Li. I know you have had real problems sleeping lately so I hope this does the trick.Do you want me to use the same oil I used to use or shall I surprise you?

So, perhaps you can see that Elmer de-escalated the conflict, but he ended up unsatisfied.At any rate, the next day, as we imagined it, Elmer was traveling on a business trip and he called an online therapist from his hotel room.Again, as we imagined it, Elmer had never called an online therapist before.Once more, let me remind you, the following transcript was constructed collaboratively by the same people.

Here is the imaginary online therapy that is taking place (it is not yet finished):

1.Elmer	1. Elmer: I haven't talked about my problems with anyone before, but here goes: First, I've been married ten years and I have a six year old son. What's happening, is that my wife, who has a busy career like me, has switched off of sex. I still love her and don't want to look for anyone else. I've tried the massage oil thing, but she just falls asleep, and the deal is that I am not to make any demands. I am feeling stuck because and my frustration is starting to show in our relationship. What do I do?
2.Ther.	2. Therapist: When did you first notice the changes in your sexual relationship? Were there any other shifts in your relationship around that time?
3.Elmer	3. Elmer: I think it would have been after the birth of our son, a big event for us. My wife had to take time off work for ages and we felt that financially. It was about that time, I believe, that I started traveling a bit more with my own work. This helped out with the financial end of things. Then, my wife went back to work when our son was about 18 months old, but by this time our sex life had dropped at least 70% and has remained that way ever since... Actually, it's even worse now.
4.Ther.	4. Therapist - Have you discussed this with your wife? And, if so, what was her response?
5. Elmer	5. Elmer: Yes, the other night she asked me about why I was 'hostile'..I told her I was upset, not hostile and that I wished things were like they were before.. In a nutshell she said that her own feelings wax and wane and that she is always tired from having the main responsibility of our son as well as her own work. So I felt bad and offered to give her a massage...she enjoyed this but she just fell asleep and there's been nothing said since then. I don't think we made any progress apart from getting the issue into the open. I am still feeling boxed into a corner with this.
6.ther.	6. Therapist - First, I want to say that on the surface, at least, this is not an unusual problem. There are lots of reasons people can have different levels of sex drive. Tell me, Elmer, do you believe she has tried to be more available in the past? At least at times?
7.Elmer	7. Elmer: Yes...before our son came along, we were always available to eachother, but now it feels like I'm the only one left standing.
8.ther	8. Therapist - Was the other day the first time you talked about it? Tell me about any past attempts to talk about the problem with your wife.
9.Elmer	9. Elmer: Well, to be honest I can't remember talking about it directly before. In the past we never talked about sex...it was just part of our life, like we don't talk about breathing either. But when your breathing is hooked up to someone else's line and they cut off the supply, then you start reacting. But I guess I reacted by showing my frustration first, and then we talked about it the other night.
10.Ther	10. Therapist - Well, it seems to me you've taken a major step by opening the door on this conversation about sex with your wife. Now the trick is to keep it open and to figure out how to invite her into your conversation. Let me ask if you can recall other areas in which you needed to advocate for getting your needs met when your needs seemed to conflict with hers. For example, some couples have to work out ways to live together when one is a night owl and the other a morning lark, or one loves flipping through the tv channels and the other likes to stay with one show at a time.
11.Elmer	11. Elmer: Our situation would be more like two morning larks where one becomes a night owl. I can't think of any situations other than this difference in sexual interest where our interests have become so different. Are you getting at looking for ways to compromise?
12.Ther	12. Therapist - I just wanted to look at how the two of you had handled smaller issues. Night owl situations and so forth are smaller issues, of course, than your sexual issue, but understanding what has worked in your relationship with these smaller conflicts might help us think better about what you could do next.
13.Elmer	13. Elmer - We haven't had little problems to deal with, and regarding our sexual problems, I have tried compromise and nothing worked. She seems unwilling to compromise. And, for me, it's sort of like finding yourself wanting to eat dinner who has with someone who has lost their taste buds and is just not interested. I don't think this resembles the morning-vs night or different taste in TV stuff.
14.Ther	14. Therapist - So, it seems to you that your wife has changed and changed her mind about you and your relationship? I think you're saying that Each time you try to reconnect in the old ways you only come to realize that there is a growing gap between the two of you I am wondering when you realize this, how you feel inside--how it affects you?
15.Elmer	15.Elmer: Hard to describe...its a mixture of feelings. Mainly I feel sort of alone, or abandoned maybe...like we used to have this wonderful easy physical togetherness, and now we are sort of separated. I feel like she is in some kind of glass case and I can see her and speak to her, but I can't get in there. And if I ask her to come out, she doesn't seem to want to do it. I feel deeply sad, and frustrated too.
16.Ther	16. Therapist: Earlier you said that when Ellen went back to work--I think you said your son 4 was 18 months old--your sex life dropped about 70% and now it's worse. For the two or three years that you had 30% was that something worth putting up with? Given your feelings about your wife and family?

Watch for further development of these transcripts.